MARFAM WEEKLY FAMILY MATTERS E-NEWSLETTER 19 AUGUST 2026 .

English in many ways is a weird language and can be difficult to learn for other speakers.   But who understands the difference between complimentary and complementarity and are they not often confused?   

Marcel loves to compliment his wife, telling her how beautiful she is, how good she looks, how he likes her cooking. Does she believe him?  Sometimes she thinks he is flattering her to get something he wants.  Being complementary in a relationship may not even include paying compliments, but having a good fit, doing things well together.

My nephew Andrew and his wife Jo work together in hippotherapy, which is occupational therapy on horseback which uses the characteristic movement of a horse to provide motor and sensory input as they work with children with neurological deficiencies e.g. cerebral palsy.   The therapy work is done by them as a couple in harmony, complementing each other, balancing their support for their young patient.  One could say doctor and nurse can also be complementary in that sense. In a complimentary relationship then a couple make an effort to look at the positives, praise and thank, show appreciation and most likely build a happier working environment.   That is at the heart of these two words. 

Those couples, collaborating in marriage ministry, would certainly aim to try to present a united front, while in the background this is not necessarily the true picture, as they also share their story for the benefit of the engaged. Achieving both of the qualities is truly the work of a lifetime of lovingly Becoming Married according to our understanding of God’s plan of love.  

MARFAM’S August family theme is Sexuality a Family Gift and sexuality education has been one of our strategic objectives from the start, also a concern for me for many years as a catechist.  For about 25 years MARFAM – as a Marriage and Family Life Renewal Ministry – produced a magazine.  Many issues have carried a feature called “Sexually speaking” which dealt with all kinds of sexually related topics.  All of these, while recognizing the many stresses and difficulties, through promoting good communication, were designed to create that positive atmosphere of both complimentarity,  “positive regard for one another,” and complementarity – a good fit for the healthiest and happiest of relationships.  Did Chris and I get it right ourselves?  I can’t say we did all the time, but we did try, quite hard, to achieve the experience of unity which was one of the goals of our Catholic Engaged Encounter ministry.

My contention is that sexuality is not only just one aspect of a person’s nature, but is essential to whom we are.   We are all sexuality active, all the time, male or female, playing as kids with toys or adult games.  Some people are seeing this as a continuum, more or less feminine or masculine,  with the general understanding of these as stereotypes.  Our genes determine much and other factors such as environment, family background and life experience also have an impact on who we become.

I was making a study of MARFAM’s archives to explore what topics were covered over these many years and from what angles and was amazed at the variety, too much to include in our newsletter.  Many articles did address marriage in a variety of ways, sometimes practical, relational and sometimes more sexual. A 2015  favourite of mine from Marriage Encounter: “God in the bedroom, smiling or frowning?”  Theology of the Body and Natural Family Planning have been covered a number of times.   Anger management – often involved in domestic violence, Work-a-holism – society’s most accepted addiction and other addictions – pornography, gambling.   Love of power and power of love – dealt with hurting marriages.  Commitment and natural stages of marriage are important to understand.

Cohabitation, divorce, annulments have been presented by theologians, experts and couples themselves, also the effect on children.   Loss and widowhood, as in Becoming Widowed, just as our earlier journey was Becoming Married. were my own experience.     

Every life situation and experience has sexual connotations more or less direct. Speaking to children about sexuality, sex and development are parent and family responsibilities first of all. However, it is not only about marriage of course and family wellness was also considered more generally:   Family health and wellbeing,  relationship building is essential for our second brain – the gut.  pet parenting !!   post-abortion support through Rachels’ vineyard.  In the early years, the 1990s,  HIV/AIDS was relevant and condoms were a major concern.  

We’ve probably focused most on women:  Pope John Paul II letter to women from Beijing 1995 thanking all women,  women as breadwinners, single moms and financial hardships. but men in families, men as fathers, men’s forums have been discussed. Gender-based violence or domestic abuse is a matter for both women and men.  

Sexual orientation and related matters were written about a number of times in general and specifics, with interviews and experts on LGBTQIA+ which is an umbrella acronym  and transgender and pedophilia in some detail. This is now part of the Safeguarding programme.

In 2014, 20th anniversary edition, we listed many topics on many levels – in alphabetical order:    Abortion, birth control, condoms, date rape, ejaculation, family planning, God’s gift, happiness, infertility, joy, kindness Love.   Marriage, no, ovulation, prostitution, questions, rape, sex-sin, theology of the body, us, vagina, woman, xtraordinary, yes, zygote.   

Some topics have been covered theoretically over these many years, in fact under the various popes John Paul II,  Benedict and Francis, some of whom took great care with this important matter affecting families young and old,  youth and children too.   I particularly value series of insightful and practical articles by some of our experts and writers, e.g. Fr Charles Ryan a moral theologian, on natural law. Conscience, conflict, values. Families do face very complex issues in this area. Fr Martin Badenhorst, when asked how one should respond with love, grace and respect to our brokenness, as we all miss parts of our perfect selves,  answered, “Acknowledge people as people.”

Returning to complimentarity I ask,  “Do we take time to be kind, loving and honest, but focus on positives so as to build trust and good feelings for mutual enjoyment.  Complementarity can be related to compatibility which is very real, can and does change along the way in all relationship areas, including sex and sexuality.   A friend sent me a recent article suggesting that men are not marrying because women don’t want or need them, on a long-term basis.  There is no longer a desire to ‘complete’ but it often is ‘compete’ in this definite cultural and social changing world.   Does marriage matter?  Does family matter? Is it the same or a different question?  The Church still tends to equate family with marriage but is that the reality today?  

We all do want to be happy, healthy and wise, don’t we?   My current take on this is Become Eco-Friendly Families, experience and learn from the world of nature, God’s world of beauty, relationships and connections, showing us the way God loves, as Trinity, each person with their own role but intimate and closely united.  TR   19 August 2026  

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.

August 19. SEE.   Work.  The speaker kicked off with, ‘“Equal work for equal pay,” is a popular slogan and also goes to the heart of much of the gender question today in almost every sphere, also among rich and poor.  But apart from pay should there be discrimination about the type of work men and women can do?“  “Women cannot or would not necessarily want to do hard physical labour, although that seems to be changing, In the area of sport both work equally hard but differences do remain, especially when it comes to payment. Are we built differently physically and mentally to work differently too?” Many relevant points were raised but once again the conclusion was that it had to do with balance and attitudes towards equality as well.  “It already starts at home with the way we teach our kids, boys and girls, about money and give them pocket money or expect them to contribute their time to making things work smoothly in the family.”  “And not necessarily in stereotypical ways these days either,” Robert added. Everyone was encouraged to go and discuss the issue further with their children at home. 

JUDGE. Reflect, share, act. Scripture:   The kingdom of heaven is like a householder who went out early in the morning to hire labourers for his vineyard. Matt 20:1-16. Pope Francis. Masculinity and femininity are not rigid categories A rigid approach turns into an over accentuation of masculine and feminine and does not help children to appreciate genuine reciprocity.  Taking on domestic chores or some aspects of raising children does not make a man any less masculine or imply failure, irresponsibility or shame. AL 286. Pope Leo:  For young people, job insecurity is particularly devastating. As the Bishops of the United States of America have recalled, work is not merely a source of income but a crucial sphere in which identity is formed, friendships and relationships are forged, practical responsibilities are learned and one’s vocation is discerned.  When access to work is hindered by high levels of unemployment, inadequate systems of training or structural barriers, many young people find the path to their human and professional fulfilment blocked. MH 167

ACT AND PRAY.  As families with youth consider responsible choices in planning for future work possibilities.