MARFAM WEEKLY E-NEWSLETTER 6 NOVEMBER 2024

MARFAM’S theme for this month over the years has regularly focused on loss of different kinds. While in the Church the main emphasis tends to be on those who have died, our focus has mainly been on death, grief and bereavement especially in families. Many publications have covered this and I have presented days of reflection, retreats and workshops, on widowhood in particular, as that was my own experience in 2000.  Amongst my friends and family I also know of cases of parents losing one or more children, through illness, suicide, miscarriage and abortion, all of which are traumatic experiences in different ways and degrees.   

The subject of Losses and Endings is broader and relevant and experienced in various ways in all families of creation, not only human. It is one of the certainties of life. Is there life after death for those who remain? Is there joy and hope?  Pope Francis’ prayer intention for November is “for those who have lost a child.” In his introductory video he spoke lovingly of the need for consolation and support.  “To offer comfort to these parents, we need to listen to them, to be close to them with love, to care responsibly for the pain they feel, imitating how Jesus Christ consoled those who were afflicted. Sustained by faith they can also find comfort in sharing their grief with others.   That is the very beautiful and valuable mission of the international organization,  THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, a peer support group for parents, grandparents and siblings mourning the loss of a child.   One of their most meaningful events is the annual candle-light service for mourners which incidentally is being held on this day in Johannesburg.  Apart from one’s own family there are a variety of resources offered for the different phases of loss.

Clearly family endings happen in a large variety of ways;  death, divorce, migration, emigration, crime, war and the normal process of growth as children grow up and leave the parental home. Some endings are more permanent and lasting while others are quite temporary.   Most painful of course, and most permanent is death.  The Covid years 2020-1 did much to focus our attention on death but fortunately in South Africa the numbers of deaths was quite low, although the fear and trauma around the disease, of dying alone and not being able to achieve closure have certainly not been forgotten. Being close and present at the bedside of a dying person is difficult, but also a blessing to both, allowing for time to say goodbye and begin an adjustment to the ending which will lead to the start of a new life. 

If we accept death we can prepare ourselves for it.  Let us not waste energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven.  The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly banquet.   AL 258.

Divorce ends a particular form of family structure, but does not end the relationships involved which have to be reconfigured – to use a computer tech term.  This too can be a very difficult and painful experience which needs sensitive handling, and often requires and benefits from external support.

Extended families have many endings too, intergenerational, spousal, sibling and parent-child relationships are broken up and may end with conflict and hurt, again needing sensitive handling.

Something very common today too are non-conventional, non-marital, cohabiting families.  For these types of relationships there is often no proper preparation, no support in times of difficulty and little help with a conclusion for everyone involved when a partner relationship has ended. Sadly in many such cases children can easily be left at a loose end, in a tug-of-war or unconnected, especially to their father.

All cultures have their own traditional practices and ceremonies especially around death. These are precious moments that may be quite separate from church practices or elements may be combined in the funeral services. Something like a “wake” or an “after tears” party might seem strange to others.    

Clearly family endings are not to be taken lightly.  On a psychological stress scale they rate very high and can have a lasting impact on mental, psychological and spiritual wellbeing.  Maybe this November, going beyond praying for the repose of the souls of those who have died, attention could be given to family endings, to bereavement and other losses experienced by those left behind and possibly even abandoned.

While human beings are not likely to become extinct any time soon, it is good also to become more aware that family endings happen too and have great significance in other areas of creation, in nature, animal and plant families. While it is being discovered that plants do have feelings, one wouldn’t expect there to be a sense of deep loss when seedlings do not thrive or old trees die. However, ecologically there is a real loss in biodiversity with serious impacts on the greater ecosystems. Biological scientists are well aware too of the insect world and the role they play, e.g. if a variety of bees disappears for some environmental reason, not pollinating plants can result in their dying out. 

The same and more applies to the animal kingdom.  David Attenborough’s famous documentary series on OUR PLANET highlights many animal behavioural studies.  Many “family endings” are the result of human activity, from farming to mining and urbanization which results in having to feed multitudes of animals who are no longer able to be self-sustaining. 

Becoming sensitive to the broader aspects of creation is a spiritual journey too. We may not be particularly sensitive to how snails or cockroaches feel, but St Francis approached every creature with a sense of wonder and awe.  It is told that he even walked carefully on the rocks, giving them honour as being symbolic of Jesus, “the Rock.”      

BECOMING ECO-FRIENDLY FAMILIES is linked with the Laudato Si’ encyclical of Pope Francis and its implementation movements.  It can become areal-life experience of the lives and deaths, the losses and endings of the different elements of creation.   Pope Francis writes, Each year sees the disappearance of thousands of plant and animal species, which will be lost for ever and for us and our children to see. The great majority become extinct for reasons related to human activity.   Because of us, thousands of species will no longer give glory to God by their very existence, nor convey their message to us. LS    Leaving an inhabitable planet to future generations is first and foremost our concern. The issue is one which dramatically affects us, for it has to do with the ultimate meaning of our earthly sojourn (LS 160). as human families and all the families in OUR WORLD, A FAMILY OF FAMILIES. Praise God! Laudato Si’!   TRowland Family weekly 6 November 2024

MARFAM PUBLICATIONS on death and bereavement:  www.marfam.org.za email  [email protected]  call 0825521275 to order.              

  • STATIONS OF THE CROSS FOR THE BEREAVED (in English and Sesotho) in pdf  R25
  • STATIONS OF THE CROSS FOR THE WIDOWED, (in English, Afrikaans, Zulu, Sotho, Tswana) pdf  R15
  • BECOMING WIDOWED,  pdf or hard copy  R35
  • FAMILY PRAYER BOOK  variety of simple prayers pdf  R15
  • A MOVEMENT OF PRAYER – THE ROSARY FOR FAMILY LIFE pdf  R20
  • Various relevant articles to download from website, + Family Prayer for the Bereaved.  

IN COLLABORATION WITH RADIO VERITAS:   STATIONS OF THE CROSS FOR THE BEREAVED will be broadcast weekly on Saturday evening at 8pm on DSTV 870  and live streaming.

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY 6 NOVEMBER 2024

November 6. “What on earth could Jesus mean by saying we have to hate everything and everyone and take up one’s own cross to follow him?” Jasmine had often pondered over this statement. “Can he really mean hate, or is he using exaggerated language to make his point?”   When her husband left her for another woman she was devastated. There were times when she felt as if she hated him and even the whole world.  Gradually as she came to see Jesus’ statement differently she realised that for her not having that earthly attachment could be a way forward on her own spiritual journey.  

Reflect, share, act. Scripture: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.  Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” Luke14:25-33. Pope Francis: The life of every family is marked by all kinds of crises. Each crisis has a lesson to teach us; we need to learn how to listen for it with the ear of the heart.  AL232.  God is some way sought to limit himself in such a way that many of the things we think of as evils, dangers or sources of suffering, are in reality part of the pains of childbirth which he uses to draw us into the act of cooperation with the Creator. LS 80. Eco-tip and prayer:   Creator God in this month of commemoration of loss and death comfort us in our pain and strengthen us in our understanding that you never abandon us and care for each of your creatures day by day.